You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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