I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
