my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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