this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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