remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
