i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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