this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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