Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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