This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
