I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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