I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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