I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
