all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
people are starting to question the shark bite story
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and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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