Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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