Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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