I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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