The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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