winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
