I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
