I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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