Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
