so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
