I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
