The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
