They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
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A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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