I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
