god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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