I cannot find my penis.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
