Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
