I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
