When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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