if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
