I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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