Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
