mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
