I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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