4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
