just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
