How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
