In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
