he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
