I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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