I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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