If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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