How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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