my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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