Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
