you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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