Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
