I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Be still, my beating vagina.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
