He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
