You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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