In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
