Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
