The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
