I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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