Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
