Need sex. Gaining weight.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
