matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
