sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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