note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
