I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
