I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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