its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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