White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
