I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
